My "retirement" from public ministry has allowed me the new luxury of saying some formerly taboo things out loud. Back when I was living off the music I didn't feel the liberty to let people know that I fell down a lot. My "brand" was the always happy, always sure, always feisty, always got-it-together singer/minister who had enough of God in his life to avoid really human moments.
My wife had to be godly, my marriage had to be perfect, my kids had to be well behaved, my thoughts had to be holy, my clothes had to be modest, and my hair had to be trimmed. My theology had to be conservative/evangelical/Protestant/pro-American, but I couldn't be Pentecostal in Baptist churches or eternally secure in Pentecostal ones, and I had to read from the King James Version. I had to be happy to be singing regardless of where and be graciously grateful for any size honorarium. I had to be super spiritual, keep political opinons to myself, have godly answers for difficult questions, a quick response to every heckle, and a ready song or prayer for every mood. I had to remember everyone's name, wear a "natural" smile and keep my habits under control or hidden.
Really, all I had to do was stay with the script. Otherwise, who would buy my music? Even worse, who'd trust my message if they knew I was a struggling man in a struggling relationship who was really more interested in being adored by his fans than respected by his family? Would my public still love me if they knew I wore ratty shorts and dingy t-shirts and no shoes at all when I wasn't on the stage or the bus? Would it make a difference if they knew I sometimes question whether God was the one who "authorized" only one bible? Would the Baptists burn my recordings and cancel dates if they saw me worshipping with my Catholic friends?
My mistake was claiming something in public I was never able to attain in private. Even during all of those years when I was beating myself up for trying and failing I knew that there was no way I could be the person at home that I was portraying on stage.
At the risk of sounding like even more of a hypocrite's hypocrite, I want you to know that my desire to serve God and share His goodness and grace was always genuine, just not always at the forefront. Not all of my motivation was disingenuous.
Nowadays I am thrilled to be where I am doing the things I'm doing away from all of the industry expectations. There are other days that I reflect, relive, regret and refuse. I reflect on the positive impact I've had on others, and the people who will be in Heaven because God used what He had. In my reflecting I sometimes relive those moments that look so put-on now and that brings feelings of great regret. It's then that I have to refuse the temptation to beat myself up over something that cannot be changed. Besides, grace has probably fixed things that I'm not even aware of.
2 comments:
Reading this was like reading my own mind lately. Thanks for reminding me how important the freedom to be me is. I hope to get to that point soon.
Kenny,
Reading this just reinforces that you are, indeed, human like the rest of us. :) Seriously, I can so relate to everything you've sad. Although my "performance" hasn't been on the stage, I believe that anyone calling themselves Christian and sat under years of preaching feel that it's drummed into our heads how we're supposed to act, live, interact, etc with others. Very little margin for error allowed. So, we live the best we can feeling like it's a charade for the most part. Sometimes that's all it is...a big smile, a glowing countenance, the caring for others...a bit of a charade held together by gossamer strands of hope, low self worth and just plain tiredness. Why? Because people are accustomed to those things from us and we can't "cause someone else to fall by viewing our human frailties". Bunk, that's what that is. People are putting their hope into others and not into Jesus. God is so awesome about using those of us who wear the raggedy shorts, the dingy tee shirts, the lopsided grins...He loves us inspite of em. We're the ones striving for perfection. He never called us to strive for perfection...just excellence. The best we can be...minus the pomp.
Once again, your writing is absolutely right there for me.
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