Sometimes I get unsettled. I want to do something else, be somewhere else. Sometimes I want to even be someone else. I'm not at all unhappy or even disquieted with my station today. Maybe I'm just bored. I think though, if I had to do some precision explaining, I'd probably admit that I'm not feeling the challenge lately - not stretching enough - not creatively tested.
As much as the not-so-hoggish side of me wants to deny it, I think I'm happiest under the lights. I honestly don't know that it's the attention I get when I'm seen and heard that is so attractive to me as much as it's that I get to play a part. Holding an audience is my passion. And knowing that a person carved out time and resources to stop, sit and listen to what I have to perform is very humbling to me. When they take a seat in front of my stage they are trusting me to at least entertain them, or better still, connect emotionally, even spiritually about deeper things. I love using songs and dances and scripts to communicate. I get giddy knowing there is a stage somewhere with my toe-mark on it.
I've studied and taught the science of presentation, performance and communication. The tricks of pos-v-neg body sides, limb language, facial confidence and expression, dressing for the role, and talking without words has been part of my job description for a lot of years now. I enjoy the science of public perception. But using those theories to make someone else more sellable and attractive doesn't fulfill my own yearning for more selfish (I guess) artistic and freer expression. Artsy people get creatively anxious fairly easily - and often. At least I do.
I'm an artsy person. As much as I was always taught as a kid that, other than spiritual shaking and twirling, all dancing is choreographed in Hell, I like to dance. To me the movement is so much creative art. Even with music that doesn't fully entertain me, I enjoy listening for unexpected harmonics that can make up a curious piece of musical art. Sometimes I hear a gorgeous progression or note movement for the first time and wonder where that little bit of brilliance has been since the dawn of time. Sometimes I get jealous that it wasn't born at the end of my pen. But regardless of its origin, I enjoy its presence and I appreciate it as personal art. People think I'm weird when I tell them that one of my favorite composers was the great Mr. Fred Rogers.
Right now I want to continue doing what I'm doing. My colleagues can't be beat. My tasks are enjoyable and I'm shown sincere appreciation. I get to work on projects that use colors and sounds and other elements that artists enjoy working with. I'm more than happy these days, and very grateful.
I guess the unsettled emotions of today are because right now I'm craving a stage - one with lights and mics and marks and cues and an audience. I'm in need of a fix. Maybe I'm a stage whore or a junkie. Maybe I'm bored.
